Today, boys and girls, we are going to take a look at something I like to call “the nuclear orgasm directly in your mouth”, but they can be purchased in stores under the name Tangerine Altoids. Yes, tangerine Altoids have done for tangerines what Pledge has done for lemons. Altoids takes the simple taste of tangerines, dips them in gods secret pot of household deodorizers, and then shapes the little bastards like little tiny skinned tangerines. I am not shitting you. You can pick one of these tasty morsels up and pretend you star in “The Land of Giants” and mash around your living room looking for the “little people”.

Although I would keep my tin of tangerine Altoids in Fort Knox, or at the very least a nice 700lbs ground safe, you can actually purchase them at your local store for about $1.52. I know! It is only $1.52 to make you wish you had a tangerine Altoid dispenser in your mouth year round. Sometimes I like to lay awake and think of myself being fed Tangerine Altoids by Kate Libby, also known as Acid Burn, played by Angelina Jolie in the movie Hackers, but she has to wear that sexy leather jacket and let me use her badass 28.8bps laptop as a pillow. Oh, I shudder with pleasure at the mere thought.

When you first purchase your tin of tangerine Altoids, and you WILL purchase a tin if not several hundred, you will tear into that cellophane ribbon keeping your nuggets of sour ecstasy fresh, then you will slowly pop the top of the tin and get your first whiff of tropical fruit-gasm. Now, don’t just rush right in and start tearing Altoids out of the tin like Gargamel at the annual Smurf-tastic Smurf convention in Vegas. No, you need to savor the field of ripe candy about to be evicted from their metal home and relocated directly on your tongue. Don’t they seem to scream your name? If not, then you have totally fucked the whole process up.

Now that you have had the formal meet-and-greet it is time to get down to business. If you have never plucked a tangerine Altoid out of its container and plopped it into your mouth let me give you a hint of advice: Don’t just consume one on your first taste…no, you must try two. I know this sounds like something only a Tangerine Altoids professional would recommend, but you can do it…don’t be scared. As the tiny tangerines hit your tongue you will notice a sudden jolt in your mouth chemistry. More saliva will instantly be produced to aid you in savoring this jolly little gem and a sensation will begin to travel through your taste buds, into your nerves, and directly into your brain. Soon your tongue is exploding with tart tangerine flavor. As you work through the sour outer shell you will begin to hit the sugary sweet tangerine inner tastiness. Savor every moment my friend, your ride is only going to last a little while longer.

Soon the candy is the size of a GI Joe’s fist and you are tempted by this clever little treat to bite down and crunch through the remaining giblet, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Tangerine Altoids have a defense mechanism built into them that releases poisonous Saran gas if their final death is by a crushing crunching blow and not by disintegration. Oh, laugh now young Skywalker, but I don’t know how many countless children I have had to bury because of this deceptive last ploy.

Of course, once you have opened the tin of tangerine Altoids you will not be able to put the thing down. No, you will be sitting there popping the candy like a pill-head hopped up on Oxycodone. Then that fateful time will come when you run out of your new candy friends. You will begin to crave them almost immediately and will soon become bitter with rage because you do not have that sweet yet surprisingly sour taste in your mouth feeding your brain the stimulation it needs. Your rage then becomes confusion as your anger reaches a boiling point and you find yourself wandering down the freeway in rush-hour traffic wearing a rubber glove on your head with a kazoo tied to your penis or possibly left nipple.

Sure, people will try to help by offering you other mints or candy, but none of them will compare to that special time you spent with your tangerine Altoids. You will always remember that time and you will murder, rape, and pillage to attain it again. You, my friend, are what I like to call an "Tanger-oid Freak" and you are willing to do anything to get your hands on those tangerine Altoids. Oh, don’t try to deny it! I saw you in the Texaco restroom offering pleasures in the last stall on the right for some change. You disgust me!

-LaVarious
10-12-04