They say to write about what you know, but I
could have just made that up, so I will be writing about sweet
sweet Benadryl, how I love your gentle soothing caress. Yes, I
love a drug and while NyQuil might be up there on the truly great
miracle wonders of medicine, I take a stand and shout BENADRYL
at the top of my lungs. While NyQuil may lull you into a dream
like euphoria, Benadryl knows no such method and slams you instantly
into a coma. That is right kids, there is no pussyfooting or walking
on eggshells with Benadryl, it knows its place and it will slam
you into yours.
I began my relationship with Benadryl back in
1996. It was in the fall that year when leaves were changing colors
and children’s minds had thoughts of ghosts and goblins
when they were supposed to be studying math. At that point in
time I found out I was finally allergic to something and that
something was stress. Moving off to college and living with high
school friends seems to have pushed my stress limits over the
edge and my body began to fight back.
The first signs of trouble were barely noticeable.
I would break out in a few hives here and there and they would
go away, but it got much much worse. Soon I looked like Roseanne
when she was Pregnant with little Jerry Garcia Conner. Yes, I
know the show was sucking then, but if you were a true fan you
would have stuck in there to see the series out. Since I looked
like Quazi Modo with hives all over my body and I didn’t
have a sister Jackie who I could pummel to relieve stress, I turned
to my pink friend….the Benadryl.
Sure, at first I was taking normal doses. I
was taking one or two to make the hives go away until I returned
to just regular fat and not full-of-hives-ultra-fat. Getting dropped
like a tranquilizer was shot into your neck is fun, but soon I
found that I had to take Benadryl all the time for preventive
measures against my hives. I also found out that I was building
up a tolerance. So two pills became four, four pills became six…you
see where this is going. Soon 8 years had passed as I took Benadryl
every single night and I was counting out fourteen pills and consuming
them nightly.
Now this dosage of Benadryl would kill a normal
person, but I was not normal and if you licked me you might have
just gotten your anti-histamine dose for the year. I was like
a walking tablet and I liked to pretend I could control people
who consumed Benadryl. I would use their pills to gain access
to their neural net through the bloodstream. Then I would slow
their synaptic functions until I superimposed my thought processes
over their own. So I would have them doing the chicken dance naked
in the middle of the classroom while covered in horseradish sauce.
Well, that is what I hoped for anyway.
Benadryl is the sneak attack pill. It takes
around 1 hour, depending on your food and drink intake, to kick
in. The first thing you will notice is an urge to use the restroom.
Benadryl does this because it is telling your body you are about
to drop into a coma for 11 years and it doesn’t want you
to shit on yourself like a drunk. Next you can feel the pink pills
working their magic on your synaptic functions. Thoughts become
harder to maintain, hand and eye coordination begin to decline,
you feel the creepy sense of sleep washing over your senses, and
this is the point I like to take even more Benadryl! Yep, you
are completely fucked up by the time you head off into your self
induced coma. If you have to wake up in less than 12 hours you
will need to plan some extra time for your brain to work the Benadryl
out of your system.
I have started to cut back my Benadryl intake
since I am basically funding the entire company with my habit.
I figure with as much money as I have dumped into their brand
they could at least build me a pill shaped pool or put me on the
box cover. I guess having a large whale like beast on the cover
of your product is probably not the best marketing, but I thumb
my nose at marketing! NAH!! I thumb my nose at you!!
Well, since this article is going on 770
words and most of you have probably slumped off into your own
comas I bid you a farewell. May the sweet pink glow of Benadryl
send happy thoughts into your brains and with those thoughts are
my thoughts, slowing taking over your mind….MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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***UPDATE***
11-10-06
I quite taking Benedryl about 3 months
ago because I was afraid it was going to give me super powers
and by super powers I mean testicle cancer, so now I just get
really drunk and pretend to fly.
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-LaVarious
10-11-04
