We packed up and headed out on Saturday in search of something to write about. We visited Halloween shops, restaurants, and finally Target. In Target we headed straight for the Halloween merchandise and it was there that I saw the face of the devil and heard his siren call. Packed among battery operated severed hands, clanking bone chimes, hockey masks, and cheesy Halloween dancing animatronics was Zing Zing Zingbah. His evil orange skin and mouthless face beckoned to me like a whale to brine shrimp. As our hands first touched I heard his groans, meeps, and grunts and watched in horror as he gyrated around the box like Linda Blair about to shoot projectile pea soup out of her mouth.

In all of the shops we had visited this Boohbah beast was by far the scariest thing I had encountered. Boohbahs scare the hell out of Hitler, so they should do a decent job of getting you in the Halloween spirit. My wide eyes slowly moved from Zing Zing Zingbah to my poor girlfriend who had a look of disgust on her face as the creature finished its orgy of movement and let out a single chirp wanting to be played with again. She watched silently as I grabbed the little doom cookie and headed for the checkout as quickly as possible. The trip to the cash register felt like an eternity and people were starring and gawking because every 10 seconds I was pushing Zing Zing Zingbah’s hand to make him do the humpty dance while he vocalized odd farting sounds.

We finally got home and I locked myself in the computer room to dissect this little hell-spawn. You would have thought I was in The Twilight Zone that featured William Shatner and the Penny Fortune machine with the devil bobble head on top, because I became blindly devoted to the mechanical monster and would follow out its orders even if they were bizarre or harmful to others. I didn’t question why it wanted to be sat on a Ouija board and have Pepto-Bismol poured over its head, I just did it. After much prying and tearing my little orange Boohbah was released from his cardboard prison so he could wreak hatred and angst upon mankind. To toy with my emotions even more Zing Zing Zingbah needed a microscopic screwdriver to open his battery compartment. Luckily, having just watched an episode of MacGyver earlier in the week, I was able to fashion the required tool out of a tampon and 2 feet of bailing twine.

With the batteries installed all of my hopes and dreams were pinned on watching Zing Zing Zingbah rip loose and do what a Boohbah does best…have an epileptic seizure. I was not disappointed as I pressed his foot and he ripped loose with a series of fart noises, chirps, and then the little bastard started dancing around to some fucked up Irish jig. He plays about 6 songs, does about 11 “dance routines”, and can summon the dark lords of hell if placed in the middle of a tin foil circle 3 feet above the ground. Zing Zing Zingbah also speaks Sanskrit and can translate Aramaic from the first dynasty.

I found Zing Zing Zingbah’s song and dance time to be rather disappointing because most of them average around 11 seconds in length. His “dance moves” were also pretty lame since he can only do two. The first resembles the Exorcist head spin or possibly a “head role” you would do to loosen up before going on an over-exerting killing spree through a downtown shopping mall. The second appears to be some sort of squat-thrust or leg humping movement. I understand these things were built for pre-schoolers, but you are almost programming the filthy sticky little tikes to develop ADD. Hmmm…maybe Playskool and the manufacturers of Ritalin teamed up on this project.

Over all I would say this Boohbah was one of the strangest purchases I have made, but I am not sure if I would shell out $25 for him again. He is interesting and I am sure he would be a conversation piece if I actually let anyone into my house, but until then I think he is going to sit on my computer monitor where I can keep a better eye on him. I have a sneaking suspicion that he might actually consume souls and could latch onto my neck if my back is turned to him too long.

I do have bigger and better plans for Zing Zing Zingbah, but I am not sure if he will like them so much. I plan to strip him down to his robotics and then rebuild him in the image of a mouthless demigod I like to call Zarathos. In this form he will be able to release his anger and fury upon planet Earth with no one to stop him, not even Captain Planet. When that project is finished I will proudly have an article ready to show you. Until then, he will be here silently watching my every movement and calculating his time to strike against me to take control of my Decepticon forces.

As an added bonus to this article I have taken photos of the box so you can see the crazy shit these Boohbahs make kids do:

In this picture you can clearly see the Boohbah is using his mind warping abilites to contort this poor boy's spine to give him scoliosis.

Here we see another Boohbah who has summoned a wild aboriginy from Austrailia to do his evil bidding.

Last, but not least, we see a Boohbah pulling one of their favorite jokes on the human race...making a kid shit his pants standing up.

 

-LaVarious
10-14-04