Lets kick this bitch off right with Fun World’s Bleeding Brains candles. I was strolling through my local Wal-mart Super Center last weekend looking for something to write about and something to appease Lucifer on his special holiday. As I waded through the sea of small children, like Hagred making his way through the cafeteria at Hogwarts, I was confronted with vampire make-up, Elvis wigs, colorized hairspray, and huge rubber dildos that bore the likeness of Gonzo from the Muppet Show. I bet half of the people who visit here will never make it past the Gonzo dildo remark. Isn’t life grand?

Anyway, as I bashed one kid in the head with my knee and another ran head first into my groin, I noticed something aloof in this section of the Halloween department…I saw something pretty morbid, but couldn’t find the spot where I had caught a glimpse of it. There on the top shelf away from the grimy hands of the small children I saw the coolest candles on Earth. Thus, my bleeding brains candle article was born.

In all I purchased 5 candles for my sick pleasure. 2 zombie heads, 2 skeleton heads, and 1 Scream head. Why only 1 scream head? Well, I did enjoy the franchise but I didn’t really find a bleeding scream mask to be that scary and didn’t want to waste money on it when I could easily walk down the toy isle and plop down $50 for Omega Supreme. Bleeding Brains candles will cost you around $3.94, but if you find them at a Halloween specialty store, like the 50,000 that just sprung up as I wrote this sentence, you will be shelling out an easy $6.00 for the disgusting little bastards.

I wanted to rush right home and light the satanic candles to show my gratitude for Fun World and all of its candle making ability, but I was told I must eat before heading home. Needless to say I kicked my girlfriend out of the car while I was doing 80 down the interstate and got home as quickly as possible. I wonder what ever happened to her? Oh well.

When I got home I decided to pour some vegetable oil on our small plates so I could easily remove the bloody candles once they were finished oozing all over the place and making my kitchen look like a scene out of Leather Face’s butcher shop. After I lubed up the fine china I assigned a candle to each plate in a certain order. If the candle didn’t like his current location I told him I would move him to a new plate, but really I just tossed him into the oven that I had preheated to 425.

With all of the candles in formation I began the lighting ceremony. This involved stale candy corn, mayonnaise, 3 rubber gloves, and 1 electromechanical dawn brush. With all of the candles lit I was hoping Sam Hain would rise out of my oven and consume the souls of any small children in a 4 mile radius, but all I was treated to was the smell of burning toaster pastries. That is when I remembered that our toaster no longer ejects morsels you put in it. Tip of the day: Leave a glass of water by the toaster at all times.

First lets take a look at the zombie candle that resembles "Eddie" from the old Iron Maiden album covers. The box displayed Eddie as having a brownish skin tone, but after opening him up I found he was actually more toxic avenger green with hints of pink scattered about his grief stricken face. The molding this candle was cast from was actually pretty detailed and they did a decent job with the overall "decaying corpse" theme. I was hoping small children labored in a sweat shop for days making my Eddie candle by hand while their cruel masters lashed out at them with pent up aggression because the toilet seat in the bathroom was left in the "up" position, but I was disappointed to find the seams from the mold on the back of his head.

I lit the Eddie candle first and I thought he was going to go out like a shinning star because before I could even think about lighting the skeleton candle he already had brain matter oozing out the side of his ear. Since he had wax melting out of his ear, would it be considered earwax? Oh Christ I kill myself...har har har.

Soon after his earwax began sliding out of his head he began to cry tears of blood for Argentina. He missed the cool summer nights out in the plaza gently strolling along looking for another human brain to consume. "Oh how the time flies", he thinks as he descends on the couple in the stairwell in the throws of passion. Did you notice he looks really shiny? I thought he might taste like sour green apple so I licked him all over. PS: He doesn't taste like green apple at all, but more like 3-week-old dead donkey ass.

It wasn't long before blood began pouring from his mouth. In this shot I think he almost resembles Mary Kate Olson, but he isn't leaning over a toilet. BA-DUMM!!

Soon Eddie angered me because he had been burning for over an hour and a half without anymore bloody mayhem. I checked and it appears Eddie decided he would extinguish his candle flame by plugging all of his orifice tunnels running through his head and let the pool of wax in his skull snuff the precious life out of the wick. I decided I would clear out Eddie's sinuses with a quick thrust of the scissors. Funny how Eddie began to see things my way very quickly.

This is how Eddie finally looked after 4 hours of burning time. Quite the gruesome display of bodily fluids, if I don't say so myself. I thought the blood might taste like cherry NyQuil, but instead I was blasted in the mouth with the taste of dead beaver flesh. Moral: Bleeding Brains Candles are not edible.

Since I have rambled on about my stupid ass zombie candle for well over 1100 words I am going to split this review up in 2, or maybe even 3!!, parts. Isn't my life sad? I can sit here and talk about candles all night long when I should be working on my scrapbook of memories I am sharing with all of you!

 

-LaVarious
10-25-04