Where exactly have I been? What sort of malevolent things have I been up to? Well, I just returned from a trip deep into Mexico to visit Professor Dean Malgraver near Oaxaca City at the ruins of Monte Alban, which is an ancient Mayan city dating from around 2000bc. Needless to say I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to wander through ancient Mayan temples pretending that I was a lactose intolerant Indiana Jones while shoveling caramel apple empanadas into my face.
Much to my surprise the small archeological dig camp was all a buzz when I arrived. It seems that a new artifact had just been found in one of the deeper temple complexes. I figured it was just going to be a shard of broken pottery from a Mayan Texaco urinal, but instead it was a fully intact sculpture.
Laid out in front of me and the archeologists was an amazing display of ancient civilization. This piece was in prestine condition and was in the process of being photographed and measured to preserve the data for future generations because what they found will change the course of history as we know it.
The brightly enameled statue starred at me, as if asking me to explain myself and reveal what had happened to it’s ancient culture, it’s ancient city, its ancient species. It predates man by over 2000 years and shows that there was once a city of chicken people living in this secluded region of the world.
The statue appears to show us a glimpse of chicken people’s daily lives. You can see that the avocado green dress was a highly prized possession of the serving class. It’s cut appears to be something of a human renaissance era fashion, which means this advanced race of chicken people would be light years ahead of us technologically. Holding what appears to be an unbaked Pizza Hut® pizza crust the young female chicken person beckons with a silent look, "What you would like on your pie?" Her stoic gaze is unmoving and determined to get your pizza order correct the first time, without having to tell Ida in the back she fucked up another pizza and it is coming out of her paycheck.
You can also see that this race of ancient chicken people are very health conscious. Notice the supple curves of her frame and the proud display of her chicken breasts trying to get you to quit being such a cheap bastard and give her a decent tip for putting up with your loud mouthed wife and your 33 bratty dirty kids that smell like ass and Fun-Dip. We imagine that the chicken people stayed in shape by running, because just peeking out from under her dress are, what we believe to be, a pair of Adidas cross-trainers. Bo knows chickens.
We calculate her boss at the chicken people Pizza Hut® is strict and will highly reprimand any employee not following company procedure. Why do we think this? If you look at her right hand holding the pizza crust you will notice it is bent at a highly irregular angle. We think the manager probably caught her not washing her hands after her smoke break and pulled a “Kathy Bates” from Misery by blocking off her right hand and hitting it with a sledge hammer at a 90 degree angle. What you get with a wound like that is an arm/hand bent at an awkward and impossible 90 degree angle as a reminder to never slack on your duties and to wash your goddamn chicken hands because Mr. Cluckerton doesn’t want his Cheese Lovers® pizza smelling like Camel Reds.
I know what you are thinking, dear god are we descended from a highly advanced race of chicken people?! The answer is simple, no. The chicken people race went extinct around the time of man. We have found evidence of a great raid that took place from a warrior class living in North America around 1423 bc. What we have found reading various graffiti left by the ancient vandals is that the raid was led by a Colonel “Grog” Sanders on a late summers night in the month of August. It is said that the Colonel received “divine inspiration” from above and his god told him there is something “finger lick’n good” in Mexico. All that is left of this fatal night's raid is what appears to be the attacking human armies armor, which consisted of red and white buckets and a side of mashed potatoes and country fresh gravy.
As I left Mexico many things passed through my mind. Where did the chicken people come from? What was the chicken people language? Why does china make some of the weirdest sculptures on the face of Earth? But in the end no questions were answered and only more were raised. After I thought about that for another 23 seconds I decided I was hungry and we stopped at a local KFC when we came back in through the town. That night, as I lay in a pool of my own vomit, I realized the chicken people had had their revenge.....salmonella.
-LaVarious
1-30-05
