It is DOLLAR MOVIE EXTRAVAGANZA WEDNESDAY!! Let me explain my motive behind this complete and utter madness before you go clicking your mouse towards the porn. I decided I needed to write a new article today, so I headed to a retail store after work to browse their selection of crap looking for something interesting to write about. Of course, I am completely broke so I was really looking for something cheap and poorly made in an overseas sweatshop to spend my hard earned money on. I pass by the dollar bin on my way into the store and I thought for a second I had been dropped into Halloween Horror Movie Heaven, which is much like actual heaven but with less angels and with much more fake blood and chesty ladies. Upon the rack in front of me were oodles of vintage horror flicks. Needless to say I was drawn in by their allure and their $1 price tag. In all honesty I really am only writing this article so I can say oodles. Oodles. Oodles. What's that over there? Oodles of noodles packed with crumpets and struddle.

Chucky saw the movies when I got home and decided he needed to pose with them for added Halloween effect. I agreed it would be cool but in the end he looks more like he is promoting Crest White strips instead of fangtastic Halloween fun. Either way Chucky got his wish and was allowed to frolic with the movies for 5 minutes while I checked my email and rubbed Vaseline in my eyes so I could pretend I had conjunctivitis.

Speaking of Vaseline, on the cover of "Legends of Horror" Bela Lugosi looks like he has applied an entire vat of the shit to his hair. Well, I guess it was either that or he might have piped in an entire swimming pool full of it and liked to dive into it on a daily basis, much like Scrooge McDuck used to swim through his vault of gold. Blathering-blatherskyt. After I took fashion cues from Bela I noticed that I didn't get just one movie on the DVD. Oh no my friends, we are talking about a Double Feature DVD. You heard me right, but they didn't stop there. To complete this sale and push their DVD earnings through the roof they also have a cartoon on each movie. I shit you not.

On the "Legends of Horror" DVD we have the classic film Scared to Death and The Terror. Last but not least we get an "Oswald the Rabbit" cartoon titled Mechanical Man. Interesting, Oswald the Rabbit has a cartoon named Mechanical Man and Charles Manson has a song titled Mechanical Man. Coincidence? I think not. If that wasn't enough to guarantee the sale of this DVD it contains the only color movie Bela Lugosi starred in. SOLD!

Next up in my plastic sack of cheap evil is "Creepy Halloween Classics For Kids!". For some reason they have a sad little cartoon of some poor schmuck in a yellow sweatshirt with a bat on it who looks like he just saw his mother stick 3 cucumbers and a raddish up her ass while going down on the postman who is dressed like Vincent Vega. He is so distraught that he tears the red leather S&M mask he was wearing off and throws it directly into the air. I guess if I was wearing blue sweatpants and a yellow shirt I might have an epileptic seizure too.

"Creepy Halloween Classics For Kids!" features The Giant Gila Monster and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, not to mention a Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoon titled A-Haunting We Will Go. Why the hell are these movies marketed to kids? What makes you think a kid wants to watch a giant lizard roam around and eat people when he can go over to his Xbox and make giant lizards eat people? I imagine they thought that the younger generation would be lured in with the name Jesse James. No, you little jerks, this isn't going to be Monster Garage and Jesse isn't going to take on Frankenstein's daughter while riding a flaming motorcycle from hell that was blessed by Lucifer himself. What the hell is with Frankenstein's daughter anyway? Should she scare me? If she were Frankenstein's daughter she would probably just be into science, biology, and latch-hook rugs. Now if they meant Frankenstein's Monster's daughter then that might be scary because who the hell did Frankenstein molest to be granted a daughter?

All right! "Nightmare Theater" features some amazing cover art. First we have a few spiders hanging on their silken web at the top of the DVD and at the bottom we have a hermit crab lurking around being very creepy. Spiders-smyders, what scares the shit out of me is a hermit crab without his shell. I bet that thing will latch onto my face when I am sleeping tonight and impregnate me with its vile seed.

This DVD features Tormented and Dementia 13 as it's main courses and the cartoon Magic Mummy as its sweet sweet dessert. I knew there was a reason I was puking blood earlier. When I was watching "Nightmare Theater" I was Tormented by Dementia and saw 13 Magic Mummies. Yeah, I don't really know what to say about this one either and I know you are all skimming the article anyway, you sons-of-bitches.

"Horror Classics"...wait! I meant "Critic's Choice Horror Classics" is the next bundle of pain to fall out of my sack. Actually, while I am writing about this DVD I will place the plastic bag over my head and hope for suffocation. This DVD contains the thriller Carnival of Souls and the classic White Zombie. No, not Rob...we are going back to 1992 for La Sexorcisto.

At first I was pretty pleased by this selection until I noticed the bastards over at DVD Treasures put another fucking Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoon on here. What the hell? Do one of you freaks have a Casper fetish? Is my dollar not good enough to warrant a brand new cartoon? You bitches over at DVD Treasures better knock this shit off or you will find yourself sitting at pointless desk jobs being paid sub-standard wages! Oh, I guess you probably already are...I am vindicated!!!

Okay, since there are now only 3 people left reading this article I am going to try and make the pain as quick as possible. Here we have "Silent Horror Classics" and I think that the title aptly describes what is located on the disc. We are presented with The Phantom of the Opera and Nosferatu, which are both kick ass in my book and now allow me some satisfaction for spending $5 on this shit instead of a new GI Joe or Star Wars action figure. Oh wait, I see here that the cartoon is Little Red Riding Hood and that drops down my "well spent money" to $4.87, still $.13 is not a lot to complain about and I can't even buy a Spicy Chicken Burrito a Taco Bell with that. I could probably score some mild sauce packs on eBay though, but not Fire...those are collectors items. Oodles and Oodles of collectors’ items!

-LaVarious
10-14-04