Oh yes, what a glorious holiday weekend. The time of year to break out the Christmas tree and string lights around your apartment, unless you are like me and too lazy to take them down from last years celebration. This is also the time of year where little old ladies will stab each other in the side trying to puncture a lung so they can get their hands on the best sale items in the store. When I think of that, I think of Omega Supreme...my Cybertronian God.

It should be noted here that I absolutely detest the day after Thanksgiving or, as I like to call it, "Every Ass-Fuck Mongoloid Get In My Way Day". It is truly is an amazing event and every year it gets worse and worse. So I like to hit the stores on Thanksgiving Day late late late in the nighty night when all of the mongoloids are fast asleep in their little retarded beds dreaming of wandering around absent mindedly with drool dripping from their stupid dummy heads.

So, of course, there aren't a whole hell of a lot of stores open on Thanksgiving day around 11:30pm, but there is always one bastion of hope, one gleam of light in the darkness, one Transformer selling mega-giant that has no value on the human soul and stays open 24/7/365 because it can and it knows we will come...we always do. It's name is SUPER WAL-MART and it's isles are usually filled with slack jawed warlocks and drunken loud frat boys, but on holidays when all of the ass-fucks are at home with their families it can be an almost eerie and spooky experience to wander the empty halls having an enjoyable shopping experience. This is the time I like to call "Lets put every goddamn thing in the store on sale for the busiest shopping day of the year" and the cornucopia of goodness was filled to the brim this year...

There he is in all of his energon consuming glory...Omega Supreme. You can normally find him for $65 in Toy 'R Us because they are dicks, but he usually retails for around $50 in Target. Well, since I was only hours away from the insane crowds soon to be fighting over toys and christmas sweaters, they had already began to mark down their stock for the approaching hordes. A beam of light fell upon me from above as I grabbed a ladder from the hardware department and made my climb to the top shelf of the toy isle. There, buried amongst the other giant Transformer Unicron toys, was my lone Omega Supreme waiting quietly and only slightly goading me to fall off the ladder and sue Wal-mart for allowing me to do such a thing. Omega and I began our relationship after I shelled out $43.72 for his plastic painted ass. It was a triumphant moment and I shed a tear.

After I ran every stop light to get home and play with my toy, I ripped open the box and was confronted with more twisty-tie mayhem than I had ever been confronted with in my life. After examining all of the ties involved I could have swore that Omega Supreme might actually come to life and try to convince me to gnaw off the side of my own face, because surely they wouldn't need to restrain a simple plastic toy with this much force unless it was infused with the soul of Hannibal Lecter. I began the task of freeing Omega Supreme and the future looked bleak but a mere 18 minutes later the last tie was removed and Omega Supreme fell from his packaging directly onto my crotch, landing with a dull thud. From the fetal position I swear I saw him crack a smile at my pain, my exquisite pain.

I began browsing the directions, because a monster like this is definitely not going to transform itself, and found that they were all written in gibberish and what might have been a form of ancient Summerian long lost to humanity. Luckily the sweat shop workers who made my Transformer were kind enough to package semi-detailed drawings with my toy giving me a vague idea of what I needed to do.

After sacrificing an unbaptised baby and melting it down into fat I smeared this vile concoction onto Omega Supreme and he Transformed into the Cybertron Mass Transit system. I then began to charge my Minicons $2.75 to board the CMT and had to kick 3 of them off for disrupting the other commuters on their way into Cybertron City to work. Transformers don't celebrate Thanksgiving so it is a regular workday to them. Who would have known?! Thank you Jesus!

In CMT mode Omega Supreme is 31" long. That is over two and one half feet of toy and he packs plenty of fire power as well as passenger space. The transforming process was actually much quicker than I anticipated with about 1 minute of total conversion time and much of that was spent on me singing "Happy Birthday" to Omega Supreme in my wacky Jack-a-lope voice I stole off Uncle Joey from Full House. That show cracks me up and it was so cutting edge for its time. I miss you Bob Saget.

After CMT mode the train can separate and become two separate vehicles to whoop double the Decepticon ass. One vehicle resembles a pseudo-train/construction equipment and the other vehicle reminds me of a battle cruiser from World War II. Both kick ass and remind me why it is good to be alive.

The Crane vehicle has an arm that springs forth with a claw attached, hence the name "Crane Vehicle". There is a compartment at the rear where a Minicon can sit to steer the destruction and mayhem. My favorite part about this guy is the fact that the front looks like some sort of space age vibrator and they use a yellow color scheme that reminds of of old yellar and noodles.

No, that isn't a midget hanging himself in the background of The Wizard of OZ, but it isn't this thing either. The Crane transforms into this platform so other Autobots can help by joining the mayhem. Two handles actually spring out of the back so you can have a fellow Autobot dump a bunch of Link-N-Logs on Megatron to stop his evil thirst for destruction.

I am using a medium sized Transformer in this shot to illustrate the control mechanism located at the rear of the unit. It may appear that this Autobot is actually trying to mount a T-Rex to engage in sexual activity, but that is only your sick mind looking for the smut it craves oh-so much.

Here is the second vehicle I have dubbed the cruiser. It is fully armed with 2 missile launchers and 3 pivoting guns. The front also contains a laser beam attack that can fry a Decepticon at 700 yards or bake an omlete in 1.2 seconds. This vehicle also contains 2 AA batteries that gives this unit sound and light effects. I think this one goes with the carpet nicely so I will be leaving it in this exact position for the following months to come.

The Cruiser also transforms to become a battle platform for fellow Autobots. Again, two control handles spring from the back to allow a tag-team of ass whooping to begin. You can also grasp the platform like a gun and threaten people with it. I tried this on my significant other as she slept and it seemed to work pretty good, but demanding she place all of the chocolate eggs into my BooBah halloween pail with a plastic laser gun pointed at her temple at 4:17am can disturb anyone.

Ah, here is a Minicon, you think to yourself, but then you would be a fucking idiot. Transformers are more than meet the eye you sad sap. This is actually the head of Omega Supreme transformed into robot mode. As far as I know he is not a Minicon and if you think I am wrong too damn bad. I don't want 231 emails explaining why you think Omega Supreme's head should be labeled a "Minicon". I hate all of you.

Here is the robot that is not a Minicon transformed into Omega Supreme's head. You may notice the odd orange lens on the forehead. Before you freak out let me explain. That lens is how the sweat shop workers transferred Hannibal Lecter's conscious into my toy. Now I have poked around with a small screw driver and have found that the head has a creamy filling like a Milky Way or a Three Musketeer. I bet no one even makes it this far while reading.

Omega Supreme in all of his robotic magnificence standing 14.5 inches tall. He seems to be calling out for a beer or possibly my soul, but you never can tell with these possessed toys. I decided to give him a Jumbo Marshmallow and called it even. I enjoy how his left leg sort of kicks out to the side with the "Rebel Without a Cause" attitude.

There they are side by side to give you an idea of how enormously huge Omega Supreme actually is. There he is standing with Autobot leader Optimus Prime. Omega is a good 2x's the size of a regular Transformer and likes moonlight strolls through the park. Notice how Optimus and Omega like to stand with their left legs out? That wasn't on purpose so I think Optimus must be mocking Omega. Grow up Optimus and get over it, size does matter so DEAL!

Over all I completely satisfied with my new Omega Supreme Transformer. It was a good price and you get a lot of bang for your buck, plus Omega likes to do "Spirit Fingers" and cheer on the Autobot Softball team. He also likes to celebrate Thanksgiving and decided to join us for dinner at the resturant down the block. I don't think they were amused when I made him the center piece of the table and stuck his foot in the pumpkin pie, but that is just too bad.

**Bonus**

Omega Supreme wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving...

-LaVarious
11-26-04